Jokes

Download all in a zipped Word file - (if you don't have WinZip, you can get it here.)

Jokes, lists, and other silly stuff collected from e-mails... If you or someone you know owns the rights to any of these, please tell me and I'll get rid of it. Otherwise, get yourself some giggles.

Increase your vocabulary

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following are some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled by how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayerbook together before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

BONUS!! The Post also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:

Sarchasm (n.), the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation (n.), coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti (n.), vandalism spray-painted very high.

Inoculatte (v.), Starbuck's, intravenously.

Osteopornosis (n.), a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon (n.), it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

Glibido (n.), all talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect (n.), the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Pintoxication (n.), Euphoria at getting a refund from the ATM, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus (n.), a person who's both stupid AND a butthead.

Interesting Facts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last....
 

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you think they have bad breath?)

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13 Thoughts

Here are 13 Thoughts to get through the day smiling...

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

12. Life is sexually transmitted...

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Old people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security.

The Amazing Human Mind

This is interesting and strange how our mind/eyes work. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...

• The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

• People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

• When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

• The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

• In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

• Baptism is referred to as "branding".

• High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

• People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

• The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

• The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

• The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

• Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

• The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

• The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

• "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

• The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"

• At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

• Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

• Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

• Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

• In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

• Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

• Don't use any punctuation marks

• As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

• Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

• Sing along at the opera.

• Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

• Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

• Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

• Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

• When the money comes out the ATM, scream I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

• When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

• Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

• And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

• Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Four Secrets to a Happy Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.

Warnings on Alcohol

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or worse bulletproof.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

10 Translation Goofs...

Chevrolet Nova didn't do well in Spanish speaking countries ... Nova means 'No Go' ...

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name 'Pavian' to suggest French chic ... but 'Pavian' means 'baboon' in German.

A peanut-packed chocolate bar targeted at Japanese teenagers needing energy while cramming for exams ran headlong into a belief that eating peanuts and chocolate causes nosebleeds.

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink" ... which also means "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - the cute baby on the label. Later, when investigating lower than expected sales figures, they found out that it is common practice in Africa to put pictures of the contents on food package labels.

Coors slogan, "Turn it Loose," translated into Spanish as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Puffs tissues had a bad name in Germany since "Puff" is a colloquial term for whorehouse.

Jolly Green Giant translated into Arabic means "Intimidating Green Ogre."

When Coca-Cola first came to China, it was given a similar sounding name... but the characters used for the name meant "Bite the Wax tadpole."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue wants us to know that "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," but the Spanish translation came out as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Horrible Viruses

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Top 8 Morons of 2002

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE .... under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Another Warning

Subject: Please read this!!!

This may affect anyone NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!!

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is NOT. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim ... read on. My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear; complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why decided to share my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee!

That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using.

You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar?

Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every; night.

Warn your friends!!!!!!!

Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed: Desperate Wife (keep reading)

-----Reply-----

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

A Month of Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in his boat and drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

24 Signs That You May Have Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those darnn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

22. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

We're Doomed

<I have no idea whose comments these are.>

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a blanket from Taiwan -

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo -

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray -

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOMTEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -

LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTEDPORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTINGPOSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -

OPEN OTHER END.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -

WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos -

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILSINSIDE.

(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap -

DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife -

WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor -

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -

WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts

INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume -

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners:

SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:

FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:

DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:

WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Mistranslations

Signs written in English that were found posted in foreign countries

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other or that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok bar:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

History Lessons

Here's some history fun for you. Next time you are washing your hands, and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, as time passed they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water; followed by his sons, and other men living under the same roof. Then came the women and finally the children. Last of all were the babies.. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high-with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof into the house, thus came the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house either. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slat floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way creating a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lighted the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables without much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Often times the kettle contained the same stew for quite a while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Families that could obtain pork considered themselves quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was an outward sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." Another indication was to cut off a sliver of bacon to share with guests and sit around to "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Unknowingly at the time, food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death.. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread, which was so old and hard that they could be reused for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed, and worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the roadside would often take them for dead, and prepare them for burial. The "deceased" were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and families would gather around, and eat, drink and wait to see if the party would wake up, thus began the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small, and the locals started running out of places to bury people. They would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside. Realizing they had been burying people alive, there came the thought of looping a string around the wrist of the corpse, through a hole in the coffin, and up through the ground attached to a bell. Someone had to sit in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth, folks. Who said history was boring?

Computer Geek Jokes

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Buy a Pentium/133 so you can reboot faster

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Reboot Washington D.C. (Y/N)

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg keytoqs awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS To CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit...

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Dr. Seuss & Computers

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,

then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Pearls of Wisdom

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

--Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

--Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"

--Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

--Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . . but I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

--Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

--Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

--Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

--Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--author unknown, presumed deceased

Kids say the darnedest things

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Laws & Customs

• Time magazine reports that in Russia, buying carnations or roses is a prerequisite for a first date. They must be given in odd numbers, because flowers given in even numbers are reserved for funerals.

• A bride stands to the groom's left at a wedding so that his sword hand would be free. Apparently Anglo-Saxon brides were often kidnapped before a wedding and brawls were common. That's also why the best man stands with the groom; the tribe's best warrior was there to help the groom defend the bride.

• A dinner party consisting of 13 people in England during the Middle Ages was the worst of omens. It foretold of the impending death of one in the group. This was associated with the Last Supper, and also with a witches coven, as both had 13 members.

• A law in Illinois prohibits barbers from using their fingers to apply shaving cream to a patron's face.

• The United States Supreme Court once ruled Federal income tax unconstitutional. Income tax was first imposed during the Civil War as a temporary revenue-raising measure.

• There are more than 100 offenses that carry the death penalty in Iran.

• Tourists need to be aware that, when traveling in Germany, a screwing gesture at one's head is a strong symbol, meaning "You're crazy." Often used by drivers on the autobahn to comment on the driving skills of other travelers, this gesture can get you arrested. The same gesture is used in Argentina.

• A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut, prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

• A new law passed in the fall of 2000 gives e-signatures the same legal standing as handwritten signatures.

• A superstition of yore involved a young unmarried woman taking a sprig of rosemary and a sprig of thyme, sprinkling them three times with water, and placing each herb in a shoe. She would then put the shoes at the foot of her bed. This ritual was to guarantee that she would dream of her next beau.

• About 10 percent of the workforce in Egypt is under 12 years of age. Although laws protecting children are on the books, they are not well enforced, partly because many poverty-stricken parents feel forced to send their children out to help support the family.

• About a hundred years ago, it was the custom of sailors to put a tattoo of a pig on one foot and a rooster on the other to prevent drowning.

• According to "Emily Post's Etiquette," a tip at a family restaurant should be 15% of the bill without tax. For a buffet a 10% tip is sufficient, but never leave less than a quarter even if you only have a cup of coffee.

• According to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island. Yet, these same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays.

• Almost every weekday morning, free Kleenexes are handed to the commuters in front of Japan's rail and bus stations. The tissues are distributed by workers of the companies whose messages and advertisement are printed on the packages. The reason for this. . . most public bathrooms do not have paper towels or toilet paper.

• Among the Danakil tribesmen of Ethiopia, when a male dies, his grave is marked with a stone for every man he had killed.

• An old Ethiopian tradition required the jewelry of a bride be removed after her wedding. Its likeness would then be tattooed on her skin.

• An old folk custom for selecting a husband from several suitors involved taking onions and writing each suitor's name individually on each. Then all the onions were put in a cool dark storeroom. The first onion to grow sprouts would determine which man the undecided maiden should marry.

• An old law in Delaware allowed public whipping for 24 crimes--and more than 1,600 people were publicly whipped.

• As is their custom, the natives of the Turkish village of Kuskoy communicate through whistling. This unique language allows the Kuskovians to communicate over distances of up to one mile.

• By photographing the eyes of murder victims, early students of forensics hoped to see a reflection of the murderer lingering in the victim's eyes.

• In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

• In Breton, Alabama, there is a law on the town's books against riding down the street in a motorboat.

• In Britain, a horseshoe was not thought to be lucky traditionally. It was thought to be a guardian against all evil forces, as inhabitants of the spirit world were supposed to flee from the sight of cold iron.

• In Britain, the law was changed in 1789 to make the method of execution hanging. Prior to that, burning was the modus operandi. The last female to be executed by burning in England was Christian Bowman. Her crime was making counterfeit coins.

• In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it with pennies.

• In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the streets to be blocked off on Christmas Eve so that the people can roller skate to church.

• In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.

• In colonial America, tobacco was acceptable legal tender in several Southern colonies, and in Virginia, taxes were paid in tobacco.

• Centuries ago in London, someone drinking at a tavern had the legal right to demand to see the wine cellar to verify that the wine hadn't been watered down. Refusal by the taverner could result in severe penalties, including time in prison.

• Challenging the U.S. law prohibiting women from voting, Susan B. Anthony was arrested for trying to vote on November 5, 1875.

• Circus showman P.T. Barnum created a spectacle when he hitched an elephant to a plow beside the train tracks to announce that his circus had come to town. As a result, Barnum attracted many newsmen and the public, but it became soon thereafter, and still remains, illegal in North Carolina to plow a field with an elephant.

• The State of Nevada first legalized gambling in 1931. At that same time, the Hoover Dam was being built and the federal government did not want its workers (who earned 50 cents an hour) to be involved with such diversions, so they built the town of Boulder City to house the dam workers. To this day, Boulder City is the only city in Nevada where gambling is illegal. Hoover Dam is 726 feet tall and 660 feet thick at its base. Enough rock was excavated in its construction to build the Great Wall of China. Contrary to old wives' tales, no workers were buried in the dam's concrete.

• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

• The U.S. interstate highway system requires that 1 mile in every 5 must be straight. These sections can be used as airstrips in a time of war or other emergencies.

• Contrary to many reports, the Eisenhower Interstate System does NOT require that one mile in every five must be straight in the United States. The claim that these straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies does not exist in any federal legislation. Korea and Sweden DO use some of their roads as military air strips.

• Dancing to the "Star-Spangled Banner" is against the law in several American states.

• Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

• In Egypt, social engagements usually begin later than they do in the United States. Dinner may not be served until 10:30 p.m. or later. When invited to dine, it is customary to take a gift of flowers or chocolates. Giving and receiving gifts should be done with both hands or the right hand - never with the left.

• In England in 1571, a man could be fined for not wearing a wool cap.

• In England, a Witchcraft Act of the early 1700s identified black cats as dangerous animals to be shunned.

• In England, murder is murder. There are no degrees of murder, as in the United States.

• In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

• In France and Belgium, snapping the fingers of both hands has a vulgar meaning.

• Spitting is something Westerners find crude and undignified, but it is common as a Russian gesture and custom. To ward off bad luck or to express the hope for continued good fortune (similar to "knock on wood"), a Russian individual will spit three times over his or her left shoulder.

• The "fingers circle" gesture is widely accepted as the American "okay" or "I'm in agreement" sign, but it means something quite different in other countries. In Brazil and Germany, the gesture is considered vulgar or obscene. The gesture is also considered impolite in Greece and Russia, while in Japan it means "money." In southern France, the fingers-circle sign signifies "worthless" or "zero."

• Time magazine reports that in Russia, buying carnations or roses is a prerequisite for a first date. They must be given in odd numbers, because flowers given in even numbers are reserved for funerals.

• During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

• Eleven days before the statute of limitations was to expire on the Brink's robbery in Boston, Massachusetts, that netted nearly $3 million in January 1950, one of the robbers confessed and betrayed his fellow robbers.

• Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

• Law on the books for Wetaskiwin, Alberta, in 1917: "It's against the law to tie a male horse next to a female horse on Main Street."

• LSD was legal in California until 1967.

• In Greece, it is a wedding tradition to write the names of all single female friends and relatives of the bride on the sole of her shoe. After the wedding, the shoe is examined, and those whose names have worn off are said to be the next in line for marriage.

• Married women were forbidden by law to watch, let alone compete, in the ancient Olympics. The penalty was death. The Greeks believed that the presence of wives in Olympia would defile Greece's oldest religious shrine there, although young girls were allowed in. Ironically, the shrine that was off-limits to married women was dedicated to a woman, the fertility goddess Rhea, who was the mother of the supreme god Zeus. Women who broke the rule were thrown from a nearby cliff.

• In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium.

• Massachusetts Puritans passed America's first law against gambling in 1638.

• In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.

• Murdering a traveling musician was not a serious crime during the Middle Ages.

• Nearly 43 percent of convicted criminals serving prison sentences in the United States are re-arrested within a year of being released from prison.

• In India, it is perfectly proper for men to wear pajamas in public. Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

• In Italy, they do not use Christmas trees. They decorate small pyramid shaped wooden stands with fruit.

• From all levels of government, Americans get 175,000 new laws and two million new regulations every year.

• From earliest times, people pierced their ears, nose, and bellybutton as a superstitious practice. The holes produced were thought to release demons from the body. In Europe during the Renaissance, wearing just one earring was considered the height of fashion.

• No two-cycle engines are allowed in Singapore. The license fee for a new car is small, about $5, but as the vehicle grows older, the fee increases. When the auto reaches 8 years old, it is no longer allowed on the streets. This is opposite of the license-fee structure in the United States. While strict, Singapore's auto law has virtually wiped out air pollution in the country.

• In Japan, some restaurants serve smaller portions to women even though the charge is the same as a men's portion.

• Officials of ancient Greece decreed that mollusk shells be used as ballots, because once a vote was scratched on the shell, it couldn't be erased or altered.

• In Kentucky, it is against the law to throw eggs at a public speaker.

• In London, England, it is illegal to drive a car without sitting in the front seat.

• In London, it is a 24-hour detainment if caught sticking gum under a seat on the upper deck of a bus.

• On January 21, 1908, a law was passed in New York City making it illegal for women to smoke in public.

• In Massachusetts, snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked and it is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

• In medieval times, church bells were often consecrated to ward off evil spirits. Because thunderstorms were attributed to the work of demons, the bells would be rung in an attempt to stop the storms. Numerous bellringers were killed by lightning.

• In Milan, Italy, there is a law on the books that requires a smile on the face of all citizens at all times. Exemptions include time spent visiting patients in hospitals or attending funerals. Otherwise, the fine is $100 if they are seen in public without a smile on their face.

• Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.

• Horse-racing regulations state that no race horse's name may contain more than eighteen letters. Names that are too long would be cumbersome on racing sheets.

• Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 states in the United States.

• In 1547, British law was amended to end the practice of boiling people to death as punishment for criminal behavior.

• Two Marble Valley, Vermont prison escapees were caught in New York City in 1996. Police found their to-do list, which read, "Drive to Maine, get safer place to stay, buy guns, get Marie, get car - Dartmouth, do robbery, go to New York..."

TRIVIA GALORE!!!

• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

• Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

• Coca-Cola was originally green.

• It is impossible to lick your elbow.

• The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

• The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

• The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

• The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

• The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

• The youngest pope was 11 years old.

• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

• Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

  • Spades - King David,

  • Hearts - Charlemagne,

  • Clubs -Alexander, the Great

  • Diamonds - Julius Caesar

• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

• In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
  When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

• In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

• Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

• In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

• At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

More Trivia

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

• A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.

• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

• A snail can sleep for three years.

• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

• All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20."

• Almonds are a member of the peach family.

• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

• Butterflies taste with their feet.

• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

• Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?

• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

• If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

• If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

• In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

• Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

• Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

• Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye."

• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

• Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump.'

• "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right.

• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

• The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.

• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

• The microwave was invented after a researcher noticed a chocolate bar had melted in his pocket when he was working near a radar tube assembly.

• The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".

• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letterof the alphabet.

• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

• The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

• There are more chickens than people in the world.

• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

• There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."

• There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

• Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

• Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Frog Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything, he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what the heck is this?"...

[Are you ready???]

[You're gonna hate me!]

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

History of the Finger

Note: just found out this is made up, but it's much more interesting this way!

The truth can be found here.

THE FINGER - No, this is not meant towards you. It is about history.

History is fun when you know something about a historical event.

Giving the Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew thought yew knew everything.

Push

Subject: true story

Husband and wife are in bed asleep when they hear a knock at the front door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Unusual Friend Poem

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.

You are my friend and I love you...

When you are sad, ...........I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ..........I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile, ............I'll know you finally got some.

When you are scared, .........I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ........I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ........ I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick.........Stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall ......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.

Why, you may ask? ........Because you're my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one's not speaking to you right now anyway.

Why I Love Michigan

When it's winter time in Michigan,

And the gentle breezes blow,

About seventy miles an hour

And it's fifty-two below,

You can tell you're in Michigan

'Cause the snow's up to your butt,

And you take a breath of winter air

And your nostrils both freeze shut.

The weather here is wonderful,

So I guess I'll hang around,

I could NEVER leave Michigan.

My feet are frozen to the ground.

Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went.

The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

Word Play

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Remember

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a "double dogdare" to pass it on. To remember what a "double dog dare" is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and young enough not to care. How many do you remember?

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butcher's wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ... (Drexel-5505)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody.
14. 45 RPM Records.
15. Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice cube trays--with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flash Bulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. The Fuller Brush man
27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders
28. Tinkertoys
29. The Erector Set
30. The Fort Apache Playset
31. Lincoln Logs
32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers
33. 35 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubblegum
34. Penny candy
35. 35 cent-a-gallon gasoline

A TIME WHEN ...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."!

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

A foot of snow was a dream come true.

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapons.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life....

I double dog dare ya.

Insurance Claims

The following are reputed to be actual statements found on insurance claim forms where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.

• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.

• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

• I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.

• As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.

• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.

• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.

• The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

• I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.

Insurance Claims (England)

EVERYONE has seen the usual batch of insurance claim form goofs that passes around on the net from time to time... we have an ENTIRELY NEW list from England.

• "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

• "A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and mad to cross the road."

• "Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement"

• "The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repair.'"

• "I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time."

• "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

• Q: "Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?"

• A: "Travelled by bus?"

• "I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".

• "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard"

• "I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse"

• "I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote off my Volvo."

• "On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

• "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

• "The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me."

• "Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle approached from nowhere and collided with my car."

• "Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea."

Diaries of the Dog & Cat

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

6:00 p..m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

You know you are white trash if...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-mart.

23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.

24. You thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.

25. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

26. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

27. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

28. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

29. You've ever used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.

30. You've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

31. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

32. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

33. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

34. You've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

35. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. You don't understand why the first 35 are funny.

Ladies Night - When to quit drinking

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @$$ and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

More Word Play!

(Some from The Washington Post)

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

21. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

22. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

23. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

24. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

25. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

26. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

27. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

28. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

29. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

30. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

31. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

32. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

33. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

34. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

35. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

36. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Deep Thoughts

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are LOW?

• Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

• What is the speed of darkness?

• Are there specially reserved parking spaces for people at the Special Olympics?

• If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

• If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

• If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

• Do you cry under water?

• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

• If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

• Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."